Personal Essay

Still Stepping into Myself

These last weeks, in fact, these last couple of months have pushed me into further learning about myself. It seems that as far as I have come there is still further to go. Yes I know that this journey of life never ends until it is finally over and that includes learning and growing.

I had begun to believe that I had fallen backwards on my growth into myself. I have spent a great deal of time in solitude while somehow maintaining a social life that has been overwhelming at times. I have been through some curve balls that I haven’t been able to hit.

My life has had drama swirling around me- unwanted drama. I have tried very hard to stay centered in the eye of the storm. Yet everything around me has affected me in some way.

For weeks I was trying to make things happen. I was moving between doing my own creative work and working my day job. I have been tired and have little energy or desire to do the things I keep saying I want to do. Injuries have sidelined me as well. Spending time alone is a breeding ground for thoughts. I am not having any breakthroughs at all. Twinges of doubt have wanted to take hold and grow. What has happened is that I have been forced into another inner growth spurt.

I haven’t been able to spend very much time on the beach, my sanctuary. It has been a struggle to get out there since I could hardly walk with 2 broken toes. When I was out there I wasn’t relaxed. That feeling of peace never settled over me because I wanted to be out in the water playing and dancing with the waves. I was too unstable on my foot to chance the waves. The water was hardly ever calm enough that I could feel secure enough to risk falling down. I became frustrated and disappointed.

I no sooner healed when I sprained my ankle. I couldn’t believe it! It was a clear sign that I needed to rest but I continued to fight on. I knew that this summer had exhausted me yet I have no intention of giving in and surrendering to the physical pain. I have no intention of letting it hold me down. I keep pushing my body to keep moving. I don’t want to miss out on any fun, adventures or opportunities that may come my way.

I am holding on just trying to make it until my vacation. And yes just because I live in paradise and live in a place that often seems like a vacation, I still need a vacation! I crave change and change of scenery. I crave new adventures and exploring different places.

Wonder what I plan for my vacation? A Caribbean cruise of course!

Not only do I get to explore new islands and revisit islands I have been before. I love being on the ship and on the water. I love finding a new beach on every island we stop at. I would love to spend time on a different beach on every island! Each island is unique and I love island life in all its flavors!

I am looking forward to opening a new part of myself as well. What will I discover on this adventure about myself? Each place opens a new door in my soul. I make a new connection with a new place and connect with a new part of myself. I feel like each place I visit and explore I find another piece of me. I am scattered all over the world and it is my life purpose and mission to collect all those pieces.

It is important at times to stay and really explore deeply a piece of myself that I have discovered. That is why sometimes I spend more than a brief visit and why sometimes I am lured back to someplace I have already been. I have been feeling like it will soon be time to spend an extended amount of time in another place but as of yet I am not sure where that place is. Maybe I will discover it on this trip. Maybe not. The answer will come when I am ready for a new deep adventure.

For now I find I am in transition again. It is the time in between major breakthroughs and major changes. I must take small steps as I can, retreat when I need to, shift thoughts and actions as I progress. In the meantime before the change takes place I am making small adjustments but I am also opening up to possibilities, creating new dreams, taking some side trips for information and contemplating the depths of my soul.

The trick is staying present with what is and what is going on, to what I am feeling, sensing, thinking, doing. Present moment awareness is the magic that will allow the answers and guidance to be seen and heard. I don’t want to miss the turn of the tide or the breakthrough. I am excited about what is about to happen right now today that will shape tomorrow.

The ship sets sail in two weeks and I am excited and ready for the adventure!

Keep posted, I will let you know what discoveries I make on my adventure!

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