Tag Archives: Dreams

Through the Woods to the Sea: A Journey of Becoming Me

For a while I was putting up chapters here but then I got so entrenched in the editing process that I kind of neglected that. After several rewrites and many – many edits and a  title change my memoir is done.

It was published at the end of April and we have been doing a soft release. As I get ready to put it out into the world it is scary exciting! This is after all my life, my story, events and details.

Why would anyone want to read about me? my life?

I hope that in sharing my story other women who have been through challenges, lost their sense-of-self, felt empty or gave up on their dreams to meet the demands of others or the world will feel connected and not alone. I hope it inspires you to believe in yourself and follow your dreams at any age or stage of life.

It is never to late to become your true self and live the life you dreamed about in secret.

It has arrived. Come along and be a part of My Journey of Becoming Me!
Get it on Amazon.com
or at The Mermaid’s Purse and Sugar Island  Bakery              on Topsail Island

 

update Memoir CoverIn her Memoir, Through the Woods to the Sea: A Journey of Becoming Me, she shares her story, her life, and her journey of stepping out of life to create one. It is one of emotion, hope, perseverance, letting go and beginning again.

“I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. What a journey you have been and still are on. I laughed, I cried, I rejoiced in your life experiences.” Marie

 

I’d love to hear your story – send me an email at cathyt@cathyteoste.com or jump onto my facebook page

Step Deeper into Your Dreams

Today is the day I take another step into my life – deeper into the sea of dreams, desires and journey into the next adventure.

My new book, Through the Woods to the Sea: A Journey of Becoming Me is now available. update Memoir Cover

Sharing my story, my life with the world is scary exciting!

Writing being an author has been a long buried dream of mine since I was a little girl, but like I pushed aside my love of the ocean, I buried that dream because I was told it was impractical and unrealistic.

It took fifty years of my life to dig it up and resurrect it. It took almost another ten to write it and find the courage and confidence to rewrite, edit, and publish it.

After writing the rough draft, fear took hold. A friend suggested I test the waters and write a short book on my love of the ocean. That is how Dancing on the Beach came about. A collection of essays expressing deep love and connection to the wisdom of the ocean (501x800)

Rewriting my life story was a long emotional process. I would work on it, have a reader or editor look at it, think about the suggestions then finally rewrite. I went through four different versions and formats before I found the format that fit my story. In hindsight, it was the most logical choice but it took me a roundabout way to get there.

It is my way I guess, I never seem to approach anything in a linear fashion. I love jumping around here and there to see what side trips might be interesting or what I might see or discover.

When I thought about becoming a writer, I never thought about writing personal essay but it is where I found my voice. Writing my own life story wasn’t in the plans either but years ago a teacher had suggested that I write about my experience with dissociation. Years later as I was in the midst of my midlife free fall, other women I shared my story with asked me to write and share it when I arrived.

Truth is arriving at one point just sends me off to another point on the horizon I see. Life is like that. We are never meant to arrive and stay long term just for a while and then to move forward towards something more.

So I have shared my story in hopes it inspires you to free fall or jump into becoming your true self and share it with the world in whatever expression that is for you.

We live life in our experiences expressing our spirit in the present moment

Step Deeper into Your Dreams!

Rediscovering Dreams

The dream was always to live at the ocean. I fantasized about living at the beach and living on an island most of my life. I imagined what it would be like. I envisioned being able to go out to the beach and swim in the water whenever I wanted.

It was always just a dream. A make believe dream that would never become reality. I never believed that it would be possible. Life was surrounded by family, responsibility and doing what was expected of you. It was doing what must be done to survive day to day, to pay the bills and have a roof over your head. The messages I received about life were confusing mixed messages but I knew which messages I was suppose to follow and which were to be considered unrealistic fancy .

My mother believed life was a harsh reality where you struggled to survive. You worked, you married, you had children, and you worked some more to put a roof over everyone’s head and food on the table. Family stayed together and all contributed to its survival. You ignored your own interests and individuality to conform to the group and by group one means the leader, the mother. Simply what she said was law and you conformed.  Your loyalty and responsibility was to the family. Never loyalty or responsibility to yourself. You had to sacrifice that because real life demanded it of you.

The messages from my father tried to slip hope of something else, of dreams, passions, individuality, and a larger world out there with different opportunities and experiences to partake of. He opened moments of possibility with trips to the beach, Bermuda, and cruises to the Caribbean. I wanted to believe so much.

It became my belief that these trips, these experiences of opportunities beyond our basic life existed but I was only allowed to experience them on a limited level. Only on a vacation did this life exist. It was temporary and not real life but a short lived fantasy one was allowed to indulge in but only if you worked hard and long for many hours, days and months and years first then you could treat yourself selfishly to a trip-a yearly vacation if you were very lucky.

These brief interludes of dreams didn’t last and eventually you have to go back to the reality of life-real life as my mother called it. Dreams were a waste of time really. Make-believe like when you are a kid. Even as a kid your imagination gets squashed and pushed down. Daydreaming becomes shameful as you get older.

I followed the path of mom’s beliefs the best I could but sometimes I would break free for brief moments. It was then I would hear, “She’s just like her father, a dreamer.” I knew that this was meant as a negative comment not a compliment. At least not in my household.

I became emotionless to life. I felt nothing. Life was empty for me. I was empty except for those brief moments. The times I was off on that vacation. There I would get lost in another world. The ‘real world’ didn’t exist. I lived in that fantasy world blocking out the life I had waiting at home for me. Eventually I fell completely into the path of what was expected of me. I had prolonged it as long as I could but the pull, my mother’s voice and command of authority was stronger than I was.

I did what was expected of me. Worked, married, had kids, struggled to work to survive. I was barely surviving. I was suffocating. I walked through my life like I was watching someone else live a life I wasn’t in but it was my life. My existence wasn’t in it. It was a body, a shell with no person living inside or experiencing this life. I had given up on believing in dreams. My mother had won. I was living the life she wanted and expected of me. The life she kept telling me should make me happy but I wasn’t happy.

Whatever happened around me I walked through blindly. I become more emotionless to reality. Three major events through this part of my life each played a part in my regaining my belief in dreams. It didn’t happen at once but it sure felt like it in the end.

The first event was the birth of my third daughter, Monica. It sent me into the depths of depersonalization and derealization that manifested on the outside as depression.I began to question this life I was living. I began feeling a need to search and see if there really was something more to life. More importantly I wanted to know if someone actually existed inside myself. Why was I so numb? Why didn’t I feel any moments of joy when something wonderful happened?

The second event was the death of my father. I was devastated. I lost the most solid foundation of myself and my dreams I had. I felt like any hope of the reality of dreams was shattered. I fell apart. I felt anger for the first time in my life. The great thing about that is that I experienced a feeling completely and fully for the first time I could remember. If I could feel sadness and pain so deeply then I must exist inside somewhere. Hope that I could discover her arose. And thankfully it didn’t end all my hope that dreams could come true. Hope arose in the midst of grief and anger that I hung onto for a very long time.

The third and final event that sent me full flung into an adventure of discovering the person inside myself and that dreams could come true was when all my daughters flew the coup and began living life following their dreams. I fell into a state of fear of losing the only piece of semblance of the life I was suppose to be living. Dread of continuing to follow that path and do what was being expected of me now sent me into fear of being forced into the world of reality that I hated with a passion because it only made me feel invisible and numb.

It was my youngest, Monica that told me. “Mom, go have your own adventure” It was time. It was well past time. I had done what was expected of me and except for the girls and some other brief moments it had turned into an empty shell of a life where I didn’t exist or experience any of it. I wanted to feel life, experience life, live life but first I would have to find the person who was hidden inside my body who was hiding inside my soul afraid to live.

Where was I to go? What was I to do? How was I going to find myself and live my dreams? What was my dream it had been so long since I let myself dream I had even forgotten what the dream was. I vaguely remembered I loved the ocean but I was afraid and still didn’t believe in my dreams. I followed the winding path into the woods. Lost wandering while examining my past and finding the way into my soul. And when I was almost there I stumbled out of the woods onto an island with the ocean before me. I didn’t plan this. I didn’t strive and plan moving to this island or any island or this beach or any beach. I stumbled onto it just trying to get out of the woods and to the ocean. I was just reaching for the ocean. I couldn’t have planned it. I wasn’t capable of planning anything. I was making choices day to day, minute by minute. But I found myself on an island at the beach with the ocean in front of me.

And living the dream began.

Here I began living completely in the present moment. In those moments I became. Moment by moment, piece by piece I began living through my being. It was in the being that my true self began to emerge little by little. I uncovered a piece of myself as I watched the ocean waves roll onto shore, as the tides came in and went out, as the sun rose and set each day. It was in the living within those present moments that I emerged from the shell.

I was discovering who I was, not who I was suppose to be, not who my mother wanted me to be but who I am from within. I began experience these moments of life. I was experiencing nature and experiencing me and interacting with life going on around me. I was seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and touching life in all its dimensions.

It is a daily process but I have come far. I am no longer that quiet shy timid little girl. I am no longer that reserve empty shell of a person going through the motions. I feel a connection to the little girl I was becoming before my path was altered and I became someone in reaction to outside circumstances. The little girl hidden away in shame has reemerged. She is not complete yet. I would say she is a teenager still growing into herself.

I have also discover the sage that lives within my soul. There the wisdom of ages resides. It guides me forward to allow my true being to continue to emerge. I am a sage who is growing up experiencing a new life after being shut off and silent for most of the years of this lifetime. Finally living this lifetime continuing to uncover the depths of being, its passions, its loves, its dislikes, its dreams and letting them become real. I believe in dreams again. I am living my dream and creating new dreams to live into.

 

 

Creative Life Plan

While everyone else seems to be thinking and planning for Christmas, I am deep in reflection. I am looking over this year’s Creative Life Plan and feeling good about what I have accomplishment, and reevaluating the items I did not. What do I want to continue working on or towards? What is still interesting and important to me? What direction or directions do I want to take now? Have my dreams changed any? And if so how?

I am clearing out clutter I have collected or created, in my physical environment, in my mind and in my emotions. Clearing out space opens space for new opportunities and experiences to come into my life. I open space both in my environment and in myself to develop creativity and creative flow.

I look at my life like an adventure journey. Where do I want to go on that journey? I am also open to unexpected opportunities to experience something new or something I had never thought about along the way. I develop my Creative Life Plan each year with dreams of the moment or experiences I would like to have, projects I would like to work on or finish. I include dreams, visions, and goals.

I leave plenty of room for unexpected or new ideas or dreams to incubate and flexibility on how I accomplish or manifest any of my dreams or goals. I know that as I learn and grow with each new experience that I may discover something new I want to have a deeper knowledge or experience of. I also may realize that something I thought I wanted isn’t at all what I imagined it would be or that it doesn’t interest me any longer.

Sometimes a path just isn’t possible. It doesn’t have the results I would like to experience. Adjustments are necessary. I do not get discouraged, disappointed sometimes but I just shift and readjust the path or find another one that fits me better.

This coming year will be one of shifts and changes in new directions, new opportunities and wonderful exciting new adventures. I have been feeling the energy shift begin inside of me already. It has been stirring with each adventure I have taken this year, with the dreams that have come true and those that have not. New ideas and doors of opportunities have been show to me. Several have intrigued me. I now have some new places and ideas to explore on a deeper level. Ones I never thought of before.

Often I dream but don’t believe it can actually become reality. In the manifestation of one dream it has expanded my belief in my dreams. If one dream can come true than anyone of my other dreams are possible to. Now I know that a dream can become a reality only when it is something I really want and I believe it is possible.

Several years ago, Sister Henrita told me to Dream Big. I didn’t know how to dream big. I didn’t believe in myself or my ability to accomplish any dream. So I dreamed a vague dream to live at the beach it had no details and no specifics. Well I very quickly accomplished that dream of living at the beach. My life exploded in many unexpected ways.

I have now opened doors of new bigger dreams – of living at the beach with more details and more specifics. So this coming years Creative Life Plan will include paths and avenues and adventures to lead me closer to those bigger dreams. Some dreams take more than a year to manifest. Sometimes it can take years. So the Big Dream is a direction or compass as to where out there in the distant horizon I am heading. Smaller dreams and goals move my direction as I go along. It is the path to this year’s adventures.

One thing I have learned is to be open to the unexpected paths and journeys that come along the way. Often they lead to a better way to travel or a new different dream. And sometimes it just enriches the passage enriching who I am and who I am becoming. And that is why I do not make resolutions instead I create my Creative Life Plan. It allows me the guidance of my dreams and goals but also the creative flexibility to shift and change through the experiences and journeys. I am free to change my mind and even change my dream and direction.

I also choose a word or phrase that will guide me along my journey. It will help steer decisions and choices that come along the path. This year includes an Epic Adventure Journey as well as a shifting tides in expanding my dreams larger than I ever believed possible. I am growing deeper into my being and into belief in myself. Right now I am still working on what that word or phrase will be. I will get back to you on that.

So what is in your Creative Life Plan?